Random Thoughts and Pointless Action
by Ser Serendipity
Summary: Alternate Title: Writer's Block Chisel. Disconnected scenes, ridiculous ideas, and other such nonsense. May be funny, may be serious, may be sad. This is my mind's dumping ground. Readers beware. Chapter 12: Not Sick Abridged (chapter 4).
1. No Need for B

Naruto's Plan

"Sasuke."

There was silence, punctuated by a persistent scratching.

"Sasuke, come on. Listen to me."

The Uchiha turned his head to look at Naruto, his eyes slits. "What, Naruto."

Naruto grinned uncomfortably. "Ah, Sasuke, you're not still angry, are you?"

The Uchiha just stared at him, his left eye twitching slightly.

"So is that a yes?"

"You," the Uchiha spit out, "are the reason we are in this situation, Naruto. Why would I _not_ be angry with you?"

"Hey! That's a little unfair, Sasuke. It's not-"

"Don't you _dare_ say that this isn't your fault, Naruto."

Not even Sakura could have cured the poison in Sasuke's voice. And if looks could kill… well, do I really have to say that Naruto would be dead? Hell, the ground hundreds of miles _behind _Naruto would have withered and died. It was that kind of look.

"_You _were the one that said there wouldn't be anyone using that mountain pass. _You_ were the one who decided to attack that group of Iwa-nin. _You _were the one who _mooned their commander_. So don't. You. Dare. Say that this isn't your fault."

"How could I have known that he could control rocks?" Naruto protested, squirming. The chains that kept him bound to the ceiling rattled.

"He was literally a _Hidden Stone jōnin_. What did you think he was going to do? Fly?"

"…" Naruto didn't have anything to say to that. So instead he just did what he always did when he couldn't think of something to say: glaring.

This was something that he did with some frequency. What that said about his ability to come up with coherent sentences… well, it wasn't exactly flattering.

Sasuke just turned away. He couldn't fully manage it: he was just as tied up as Naruto, and with his legs dangling he slowly began to spin back towards the blond.

"Anyway, Sasuke, listen to me."

"Why should I, dobe?" Snarling was too violent a word to describe Sasuke's voice, but it was as close as could be to the sound without actually _being _it.

"Because I have a plan." Naruto's voice, on the other hand, was brimming with both warmth and confidence.

Sasuke sighed. Loudly.

"Hey! This is a good one, I swear!"

"You say that about all your plans."

"But I mean it for this one!" Naruto's grin was getting even wider.

"Really."

"Yeah, really!"

Sasuke sighed again. This one was even louder.

"Okay. Fine. Let's hear it."

"Okay, it's kinda complicated. So you listening?"

"Hn."

"Right, so first, I break these chains by melting them with the Kyuubi's chakra…"

"Hn." Sasuke's eyes minutely widened. He hadn't known that Naruto could do that.

"Then, I get your sword and cut _your_ chains off…"

"Hn…" He was… actually liking this plan so far.

"And then…"

"Hn?"

"I. Punch. Everybody!"

Sasuke stared at Naruto. Naruto stared back, grinning inanely.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, and Naruto nodded emphatically.

"EVERYBODY."

Sasuke sighed for the third time. He did his best to shrug, even impaired by the chains.

"Hn."

Sure, he said, in that language that only those who'd known him for years could really understand.

Why not?

###

**AN: Reason for writing? Frustration with uncooperative fight scene. Pointless, but amusing.**


	2. Pun About Trees

I Guess I Just Enjoy Sakura Beating The Shit Out Of People

Sakura takes to the trees, using her chakra to jump from branch to branch with unbelievable speed. In a moment, she is nearly a hundred meters away, and gaining more ground every moment.

The nuke-nin takes off after her like a lightning bolt. Appropriate, considering that before he'd stolen valuable kinjutsu and abandoned his former comrades, he'd hailed from Kumogakure, and the Land of Lightning.

He may have had a name. For the purpose of this short interlude, though, he might of well have not. It wouldn't have changed anything in the end.

At any rate, Sakura takes to the trees, gaining distance from Naruto as he fills the area with shadow clones and swamps the other targets of the B-rank he and Sakura were on, and the missing-Kumo-nin goes after her.

It's easy to imagine what is going through his mind. He's a grown man, one who's lived in the wilderness for the last couple of weeks, surrounded by equally uninteresting (and smelly) men, none of which are particularly fun to talk to.

Clearly, he just wants to have a stimulating conversation with Sakura.

Mostly about the color of her hair. About what she is wearing. If she has an older sister.

Or a _younger _sister.

Part of the reason this man left Kumogakure in the first place was the proliferation of Kunoichi in the higher levels of the hierarchy. Serving women never seemed like a very rational thing to him.

Thus, when Sakura trips on one of her jumps and falls slightly, forcing her to grab the next branch in her path, a particularly large and thick one, the former Kumo-nin doesn't find it particularly surprising. In fact, there's a bit of a smirk on his face as he watches her flail for a moment.

That smirk falls away in an instant when Sakura tears the entire branch from the tree with a single, nonchalant tug, and falls to the forest floor in the same motion. The man stays on his branch for a moment, blinking at what he's just seen.

Women aren't supposed to tear branches off of trees like that. Particularly the kind with pink hair and red combat dresses.

That moment of hesitation is all Sakura needs. She hits the ground and turns, locking onto the nin who's been chasing her.

He looks down, snarling, and says something exceedingly stupid.

She looks up, smiling, and beckons with the hand that isn't hosting the ten foot long tree branch over her shoulder like it weighs nothing.

He leaps forward, a kunai in his hand. Sakura leaps _up_, and the branch swings forward.

There's an almighty "CRACK", the sound of wood shattering, and the man flies backwards into the tree he jumped down from.

And then through it.

Sakura discards the broken stump of wood, all that remains of the branch, and strides off towards where she left Naruto.

She idly hopes that there are a couple more ninja left for her.

###

** Reason for Writing: Working on a relatively serious conversation (when I should be studying) and felt the need to hit someone in the face.**

**So I did.**


	3. True Weakness 1

True Weakness: Particle Style (Dust Release)

All jutsu have a weakness.

Take the Particle Style as an example. On the surface, it seems like the perfect offensive jutsu.

It is chakra intensive, but not so much that only a kage level ninja or Jinchūriki could use it. It is quick: it only takes as much time to form an attack as it takes the user to visualize the shape and intensity of it. It's incredibly deadly: erasing all matter in the target area, any Particle Style technique can fatally wound an enemy with even a glancing blow, or utterly annihilate groups before they can counter attack.

Best of all, it's rather secret. It was created by the Nidaime Tsuchikage, who was one of the rare men with the genius (and spare time) to figure out how to create artificial bloodline abilities by mixing three different chakra natures. He died, but not before teaching it to his own student, who is now the only man with the secret of the Dust Release. And the Sandaime Tsuchikage is not the type to share secrets.

So, it is fast. It is easy to use repeatedly. It can be deployed at almost any range. It is instantly deadly. The only way to block it is to utilize another Dust Release technique (or some kind of legendary protection, something that few shinobi in the modern day possess). And no one but its sole practitioner is sure of exactly how it works.

By all appearances, it's perfect.

However, the Particle Style does have one weakness. A weakness that, however silly it may seem to an observer, any ninja worth his hitai-ate knows can easily be fatal.

The jutsu destroys any enemy it's used on so perfectly, so _utterly_, that there isn't even a body left behind. Only dust.

It has been proved time and time again on the bloody fields of Ame and the windswept valleys of Waterfall and Grass. The true flaw in particle style is also its greatest strength. _Nothing_ can survive a direct hit. It vaporizes everything at a molecular level. Thus, when the dust clears, there is no body.

The user has no choice but to assume the jutsu was a success. That his enemy couldn't possibly have survived.

That. Is. _Dangerous_.

After all, in a world with kawarimi and bunshin and genjutsu, a ninja is _never_ dead unless you see the body.

And even then, it's probably a trick.


	4. Internal Continuity

Dangerous Fashion Sense

Panting, Konan lowered her arms, and the deafening sound of explosive tags was reduced to echoes that carried across the bay Amegakure sat in the center of. She went slack, exhausted: she'd put everything into that attack, everything and more. She was completely out of chakra, for the first time in…

She couldn't remember the last time she had been out of chakra. Her Kami no Shisha couldn't be maintained. Her paper body, which she had grown so used to over the years, had returned to its normal state. She couldn't remember the last time _that_ had happened either.

She sighed. It didn't matter that she was out of chakra. She had upheld Nagato's dream: Madara was dead, and now Amegakure could begin to recover from the madness he had infected it with.

There was a "shlick" sound, deafeningly loud, and Konan's chest was filled with fire.

She looked down in shock. A jagged piece of rebar, covered in her blood, protruded from her chest.

She looked back over her shoulder, and found Madara standing behind her. His mask was shattered: two sharingan glared out, one of which was gradually slipping closed.

His cloak had been destroyed. All that was left were traces of one of the collars: the bodysuit he wore under the cloak had been revealed.

Konan stared, astonished.

And then she chuckled. Loudly.

Madara cocked his head, twisting the rebar. The pain in Konan's chest doubled, but it didn't stop her laughter.

"Why," the man asked, infuriated, "are you laughing?"

"I've won." She laughed.

"I'll admit, I'm actually interested to know why you think that is." Madara said. "A pole through your chest, and me standing behind you, holding it: how could you possibly defeat me now?"

"Because," Konan said, grinning, "my cloak is still on."

Madara stared down, taking in the state of his clothing. His remaining eye widened.

"Yep." Konan said. Madara just continued to stare, unbelieving.

"I sympathize, Madara, I really do. But you of all people should have known, making sure your cloak stayed intact was by far the most important part of this fight." Konan said. What she did next nearly defied the limits of reality.

The Akatsuki's only female member spun, wrenching the rebar from Madara's hand. He didn't do anything to stop it. He simply continued to stare down, in shock.

Deep inside, Obito couldn't believe he had made such a rudimentary mistake. To have come so far, and be foiled now… it was unthinkable!

But the bitterness of the situation didn't stop Konan from ripping the rebar from her chest and burying it in his remaining eye.

"Didn't _see_ that coming, did you?" Konan asked as Obito fell back.

He hit the water, limp and dead, and did not respond.

Konan cocked her head. "Too soon?"

###

**Big thanks to 9tailsfox2 for his one-liner inspiration.  
**

**If this confused you, well, basically anytime a member of the Akatsuki takes off their cloak (or has it taken off for them), they're gonna die. It's a fact of life. The only exception? The Konan vs Tobi fight.**

**So I fixed that. **


	5. Imposible Ch1

Impossible

**Iruka**

I remember the day when I first saw Naruto do the impossible. Though, it's now something he does everyday. So I suppose at the time it was just impossible to believe.

Heh. "Believe."

It never fails to amuse (and in some ways, alarm) me nowadays how people seem to have forgotten how Naruto used to act. And how the Village looked at him. I don't know if it is just in this village's nature to have a short memory, or if it's Naruto themselves that has made them forget.

Personally, as a teacher, I think it's the children's fault. It started with Konohamaru. He was the first of Naruto's "fans". His eternal rival, I think he called himself. Though he also called Naruto his boss, so make of that what you will. He was always following him around, begging him to play Ninja, asking him for tips and techniques. That in itself is not that unusual- it's hard to find an academy student that doesn't look up to the Genin who made it through. A lot of them are around the same age, and so they think they're not to different. And they're usually right. It's a rare Genin that couldn't be mistaken for an academy student: Sasuke Uchiha was the first I'd seen in a while. And that was just because of his eyes. No, not the Sharingan. He didn't have that yet. Though the promise of a powerful Doujutsu probably helped. It was just the way he looked at things. Like they were rocks in the road, and he was going to kick them out of the way.

The _difference_ between Naruto's relationship with Konohamaru and the normal admiration that academy students gave graduates, however, was that Naruto actually reciprocated. I can't stress how rare that was. Children have a capacity to be the cruelest and most excluding of people, no matter what parents tell you, and a lot of Genin think they don't have anything to do with the Academy once they graduate. After they leave, they tend to just ignore the kids still in there.

Like I ignored Naruto, at first.

The _difference_ was that Naruto actually talked to Konohamaru. He played with him, he taught him, and especially after the disaster that was the 14th Konohagakure Chūnin exams, he bonded with him over his grandfather- and the position that the Sandaime had held. It was their own little competition: who would become Hokage first. Silly, a lot of us thought. Shows what we knew.

So, like I said, it was Konohamaru that started to see that Naruto wasn't just a near dropout, a _dobe_ who'd just barely scraped through. I don't know what Naruto did or said to make him see it- perhaps I'll ask someday. All I know is that for the first time in my life, I was hearing positive things said about Naruto. And it was in my own class.

It was little things at first. "Oh, did you see the Jutsu that Konohamaru has? He says he took out his grandfather with it! And that _Naruto_ taught it to him!" "Hey, did you here that Naruto killed a missing-nin over in the Land of Waves?" They got eased into the idea of Naruto being a respectable ninja, regardless of what their parents said. And they must have eased their parents into it too.

It was especially after the Chūnin exams though. Then everything really took off.

Hmm...

I'm sorry. I suppose I got off track. I was going to tell you about the first time I saw Naruto do something that was impossible, and that reminded me about how we all used to see him...

(cough)

Anyway. It was graduation day. For perhaps the most famous class I've ever taught. Naruto Uzumaki, Hinata Hyuga, Choji Akimichi, Sakura Haruno, Shikamaru Nara, Kiba Inuzaka, Ino Yamanaka... there were a lot of future elites in that class. And Sasuke Uchiha, of course. Of course, then they were just children. Some people knew, though, that that class was special. Kakashi Hatake, the Copy-Nin himself, decided to teach a Genin team for the first time in three years because of that class.

But here's something a lot of people don't know. Naruto didn't graduate that day. He failed the exam. Barely scraped through on the written test, almost skewered me at the weapons range, and when it came to the academy Jutsu practical, his _bunshin_ looked like a balloon full of pudding. It was probably the worst I've ever seen.

So, I failed him. Enthusiastically. No doubt you're thinking now, "How could you fail the Village's hero like that?!" But the truth was, he wasn't ready then. He wouldn't have survived a single C-rank with the skills he had. The first true ninja he came across would have gutted him like a fish, Kyuubi or not.

It broke him a little, I saw. He'd joined the Academy early, training with people a year or two above him, with the permission of the Hokage. He didn't have any guardians to forbid him, after all. But that didn't help him. This was the third final exam he had failed. Barring special permission, you're not allowed to take a fourth. I'm sure he could have gotten one from the Hokage, but he didn't know that. So after school, he sat there on a lone swing out in the playground, just watching the other kids with their families. I don't know where he went after that.

The next I heard, he had stolen the Forbidden Scroll from the Hokage's personal library. Naturally, just about every Chūnin in the village was mobilized to search for him, while Jonin secured the borders. There was no way we could let a resource like that, filled with dangerous and experimental Kinjutsu, leave the Village.

As I sped through across the rooftops, I thought about places where Naruto usually went to hide: I'd figured most of them out from all the time's he and Shikamaru had tried to skip class. I went to the most obvious one, which was also the closest to the boundaries of the Village proper: the seventh kunai practice range.

Naruto was there, of course.

It's a good thing that I was the first one there. I think a couple other Chūnin would simply have struck first and recovered the scroll, regardless of Naruto's reasons for taking it. I wasn't the only one whose family had been killed by the Nine-Tails all those years ago.

So, when I found him, he was just sitting in the grass under the shade of a tree, the scroll strapped to his back. He was exhausted, panting like he'd just run... well, it would have to be really far. I've never seen Naruto get tired just because of running. But when he heard me land, he looked up at me. And he didn't freeze, or run away, or come up with a stupid lie to try to explain himself, which is what Naruto _always_ does when you catch him doing something, which is a pity for him because he's a terrible liar. He just looked up at me, and let loose a positively blinding smile. The kind of smile that made me realize, years before, that he was _not_ in fact a demon masquerading as a child, biding its time so that it could kill us all in our sleep.

I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but it was something like this.

(Imitating a loud, somewhat squeaky yell)

"Iruka-sensei!"

"Naruto-"

"Iruka-sensei, I did it! I-

"Naruto everyone's been looking for-"

"-mastered one of the Jutsu's! Now I can graduate, right? I can get my hitai-ate!"

When I heard that, I thought that _that_ was his dumb lie. Mastered one of the Jutsu's in the Forbidden Scroll? The student who couldn't even create a _bunshin_, who's chakra control was about as hopeless as smashing a glass pane with a hammer and hoping that the pieces fell into a perfect picture of the Hokage Monument? Impossible. He must be lying. But that wasn't what truly concerned me. What did concern me was that Naruto apparently thought he could graduate if he _stole_ from the Hokage.

"Naruto, who told you that?"

"What?"

"That you had to master a Jutsu from the scroll?"

"Mizuki-sensei, of course. Didn't he tell you about the super secret graduation mission?"

I realized at that moment what had happened. We'd been played. Mizuki had betrayed the Village, and used Naruto as a catspaw to retrieve something of value before he left. No one would question Naruto having stolen the Scroll- that was just the way he was seen. A troublemaker, a thief, and generally a fiend. Then, he had Naruto try to master a Jutsu from the scroll, which would keep him around long enough for Mizuki to find him. It was actually a pretty good plan. Only three things went wrong with it. The first was that I knew where Naruto usually hid, so I'd found him just moments before Mizuki had. The second was something none of us had seen coming: that Naruto actually _would_ master a Jutsu from the Scroll.

The third problem was that Mizuki explained the entire plan to Naruto and I as soon as he showed up. Though I'll admit, he at least had the sense to do so after trying to kill Naruto and pinning me to the target board with a couple kunai. I'm sure he found that hilarious. Mizuki always had a strange sense of humor.

The kind of humor that made him try to convince Naruto that _I_ was lying to him. That I was trying to steal the scroll for myself. But even back then, Naruto wasn't that stupid, especially not after I'd just pushed him out of the way of a couple kunai and taken them myself.

I didn't mention that? I could have sworn I had. Sorry. It wasn't an issue. My vest stopped most of them.

Mizuki wasn't finished, though. After that, he pulled out the ultimate secret.

The Kyuubi no Kitsune, of course, and the identity of its jailor. But what Mizuki said was worse, in just about every way. He said that Naruto WAS the Nine-Tails. That HE had been the one who had nearly destroyed the Village, and killed my parents.

I don't know why exactly Mizuki did it, or why he said it that way. It's entirely possible that Mizuki didn't understand what a Jinchuuriki really was. Not many do, beyond the fact that it's a person that has a demon in them. I didn't myself until Naruto explained it to me one day. As to why, Mizuki probably hoped to turn Naruto against me, against the village, for lying to him.

He obviously didn't know Naruto very well at all.

What followed, at the time, seemed extremely dangerous. Make no mistake; it was a life or death struggle. I had to protect a student from a skilled shuriken master who desperately wanted both of us dead. But looking back, it wasn't much of a fight. We were both rather handicapped. Mizuki was traveling light, so that he could carry the Scroll with ease and not be slowed when escaping the Village, which meant that he didn't have his normal assortment of weapon scrolls, swords, or wreaths of shuriken. But I had to protect a slow and terrified target.

I took a Fūma Shuriken in the back near the beginning of the fight. I didn't have a choice: Mizuki had thrown it right at Naruto as he tripped backwards over his own feet-

Hey, don't laugh. He was twelve. No one had ever tried to actually _kill_ him before.

I didn't and don't regret it, but in case you haven't seen one in action, Fūma are _big, _and they hurt just as much as they are large. This one came within a centimeter or two of breaking my spine. I was lucky that I knew a little medical jutsu, else I would have bled out before the end of everything. My upper back still aches after exercise, though. Not enough to slow me down, but I notice it.

While he cowered beneath me, and Mizuki watched, laughing his head off, I told Naruto that he wasn't the Fox. And that he and I were the same, that I understood. I knew what he went through. I was an orphan too, after all.

I don't know if it was the shock of recent revelations, or if what Mizuki had said had actually gotten to him, but Naruto took off before I could say anything more.

Mizuki chased him, and I chased Mizuki. And managed to ambush the traitor with a rudimentary transformation. I turned myself into Naruto, and when Mizuki (who himself had transformed into a copy of me) caught up, I tried my damnedest to kick his windpipe in.

I'd like all of you to remember that. No, don't roll your eyes. I am a teacher after all. Academy basics can turn any battle. I can't tell you how many times a quick _Kawarimi_ has saved my life. A lot of high-level ninjas consider stuff like that beneath them, but just remember: sometimes simple really is better. It certainly gave me one of my better memories.

Mizuki coughed out through a bruised throat, "How did you know, Naruto, that it was me?"

And I said back, "Because _I'm_ Iruka." I'm proud of that. Sounded cool.

Anyway...

After that, I was spent. But Naruto had gotten away. Or so I thought. He would take his tale back into the Village, and the Hokage would hear it. Everything would turn out all right.

Except that I would be dead, as Mizuki delighted in telling me. And that if he didn't kill me, that Naruto, that "Beast", certainly would.

Well, I took offense to that. Naruto was my student. He was a good kid who was desperate for attention, definitely not the pure manifestation of malevolent chakra in the form of an enormous fox. I told Mizuki so. I told him that the so-called "Beast" was Naruto Uzumaki, of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. He laughed at that.

How could I have known that Naruto was hiding nearby? That he would hear me defend him? How could I know that those words would have such a dramatic effect on him?

I couldn't have. But the results were... well, you heard what I said before.

Impossible.

Mizuki charged at me, his last Fūma spinning. But something intercepted him.

Something orange.

I don't have to tell you it was Naruto. I know that that doesn't surprise you. This _is_ a story about him. But consider this: how many times have you seen an academy student, one who was at the bottom of every class, plant his knee in an experienced Chūnin's face? It's not something you forget, and it still brings a smile to my face. Mizuki went flying, and Naruto was right behind him. Mizuki didn't stay down, of course. But when he got back to his feet, Naruto was waiting there for him. And the _dobe_, the dead-last, hopeless, bright orange prankster said, no, snarled_, _in a voice that I'd _never_ heard from him, "If you lay a hand on my sensei, I'll kill you." I can't really tell you the emotion that was in that statement. The _meaning _of that statement. You had to have been there. To see Naruto so focused, so _dangerous_, and radiating so much killer intent... it was stunning.

Mizuki was an arrogant bastard. It's partly why he never made it beyond chūnin, despite his skill with shuriken. He refused to acknowledge that someone so young could possibly be a threat. In any other case, he'd likely be right. He yelled at the kid, "Not bad, for a little punk! But I can destroy you in a single hit!"

And Naruto just put his hands into something that could have been an Ox seal if you squinted really hard, and screamed at him, "Then I'll pay it back to you a thousand fold!"

That was when the impossible happened.

"_Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!_"

There was a popping noise; an enormous puff of smoke, and then the forest was filled with Naruto. Orange jumpsuits everywhere. Rows and rows of them. In the tree, on the ground, some crouched atop others; they completely surrounded Mizuki.

None of them were pale imitations. All of them were very vibrant, and very, very solid.

When you create a shadow clone, both you and the clone end up with an equal amount of chakra. It's what makes it such a potent technique, since each of the clones has enough chakra to receive direction from the user, and utilize his (or her) other skills. It also makes it very dangerous; the reason it's a Kinjutsu is because it is frighteningly easy to create too many clones and die of chakra exhaustion before you even realize that you've overdone it. Most Jonin can safely make about thirty on a good day, and so can some more accomplished Chūnin. But for those who know it, it's commonly assumed that it's not practical to make more than five or ten before you're too weakened for them to be effective.

Naruto made _hundreds_ of shadow clones. A thousand, even. He should have been _dead_. Instead, he just sat there with that unbelievable grin. Not the kind that the Village usually saw either, the one he put up when he was hurt or lonely but he would be _damned_ if was going to let anyone know that they had gotten to him. This was the kind of smile he smiled when Hinata kissed him for the first time.

He wasn't even winded.

"_Amazing"_, I thought.

Mizuki clearly didn't feel the same way. All of his confidence was gone. The bravado, gone. The taunting, gone. He just sat there, sputtering. "What is this!? What are you!?"

Naruto didn't respond. He just laughed, and taunted. As one. All the clones were in on it. And though I will always hold Naruto in high regard, I will say that it was pretty damn creepy.

"What's wrong, Mizuki-sensei? Aren't you gonna destroy me?" A thousand soon-to-be-Genin said at the same time. Naruto is loud by himself. I'd say that Kiba is maybe the only one who can match him for sheer volume. But a thousand of him speaking at the same time?

Ow.

When Mizuki just gibbered something unintelligible in response, all the Naruto's sighed at once. It sounded like a gale force wind hitting the trees. "Ah, well. If you won't come to us-" and they all let loose that blinding grin again, "we'll come to you!"

And as an orange tide, they all leapt forward.

Mizuki screamed and thrashed. But when a thousand ninja come for you at once, there isn't much someone like Mizuki could do, even if all those ninja fight like a drunken brawler chasing his sister's latest boyfriend. He took out a couple, though, just through wild punches and kicks. I think he may even have bitten one out of existence. It was hard to see under the pile of Naruto's.

When the dust settled, Mizuki was quivering on the ground, beaten to within an inch of his life, all of the clones were gone, and Naruto stood in front of me, rubbing the back of his head and giving me a relatively small grin (which, if you know Naruto, means it only took up a third of his face).

"Whoops." he said.

"I think I overdid it."

###

**I wrote this a while ago, and never got around to continuing it. Basically, just Naruto doing impossible things from the perspective of others. If you liked it, leave a review: I do have a couple other ideas for it.**


	6. End: Part 1

Retread

You face each other, the water under your feet rippling, unnatural natural energy keeping you planted on it as firmly as they would be on solid ground.

You're smirking; your onyx eyes narrowed just slightly, not even a hint of red in them. The blond is gritting his teeth.

There's a flash of understanding, a moment of comprehension and _agreement_, and you both charge. Flash across the water towards the other, faster than any other person could hope to follow, let alone achieve.

Collision, and a flare of sparks. A katana, thrown forward in a lightning quick stab, glances upward off a kunai held in a reverse grip and there is a moment of satisfaction and a second of reversal, because now the blonde is smirking and the onyx eyes are narrowed in frustration and not-quite-anger but close to it, damn close.

You break apart, and then you're at it again. A flying knee nearly takes your head off, and you whirl under it, bringing up a palm wreathed in electricity to jolt his thigh and bring him crashing down into the water on a numb leg.

Theoretically. It's what your eyes tell you will happen. But in reality, even though the knee has clearly missed your face by a matter of inches, you still feel the brutal force of the impact, and you bend backwards, ninety degree, to keep the attack from breaking your skull like an eggshell. And so, your raiton jutsu completely misses him, and it seems that he hasn't even landed before he's at you again.

To an outside observer, the fight is just a medley of confusion and speed. Water splashes wildly, nigh invisible footwork leaving its formerly placid surface well and truly disturbed. Sparks shoot as unbreakable steel grinds against not-so-unbreakable daggers and knives, each shattering and being instantly replaced by another identical sibling. The handles litter the water, slowly sinking towards the darkness at the bottom of the lake, and the whole time the orange and purple blurs dance around one another like food coloring down a drain.

Inside the fight, it's different. Inside the fight, it's red and black, tomoe spinning in a mad circle that most just can't look away from and bar pupils where there should be a safe reassuring dot, golden eyes where there was once forgiving, _familiar_ sky-blue. Inside the fight, it's movement before your even aware of it, as senses you've spent the last few years training to perfection _scream_ at you to duck and dodge as someone that until minutes ago you thought would never in a hundred years provide more than a challenge, never a _threat_, does his very best to disable you.

Not kill. Never _kill_. That's his weakness, and your strength. Because while the _dobe_-no-longer _needs_ to bring you back alive, has _promised_ to bring you back alive, you are operating under no such obligation. You have only ever made one promise, and you fulfilled it long ago.

So, you are fighting to kill, and he's fighting to maim. A fist comes for your face, and you knock it aside with ease. The knee in the groin, blocked by an arm bar, you also discard. Where is the surprise? Where's the spontaneity? It must be the handicap. He'll never beat you or your gift fighting like this.

Which makes it all the more irritating when he goes for a sweeping kick that you easily step over because for Itachi's sake your eyes aren't going to be fooled by something like _that_, but when you bring your sword down to slide between his shoulder blades and puncture his heart or lungs it just glances off of his as if he's the one made of unbreakable steel instead of the weapon that just stabbed him in the spine. And when he snaps up, his fist taking you in the chin and sending you cartwheeling backwards over the water with the force of the blow, you're no longer irritated. You're edging into furious.

That's when the skeleton comes up. Ghastly and purple and _cold_, a silent guardian forms around you, his armor and flesh and ribs just as impenetrable as any Sage Arts-boosted _idiot_. But this doesn't stop him, of course. As soon as his feet hit the ground he's coming at you again, Susanoo be damned.

You start laughing then. Why wouldn't you? Itachi's gifts are burning in their sockets, but they aren't going dark. They'll never go dark again. And your guardian is unstoppable. Nothing can even scratch him, let alone destroy his towering purple form. And now this idiot, your oldest and best friend, is running straight at it, seemingly determined to tear it down with his bare hands. Does he really think that he can beat you now?

Time to end this.

The bow comes out of thin air, but that doesn't make it any less real. So does an arrow, the size of several men. The giant aims, straining.

The blond begins to speed up. There's an orange glow beneath his skin, rippling, just begging to be released. You don't care. Nothing can stop the Susanoo. You can trick it, maybe. But take a hit? Impossible. The teen in orange is no Danzō, with reality warping invincibility gained through years of cowardice and dishonor. He's too noble for that.

The giant releases the arrow. It tears through the air, wreathed in black flames, faster than even your eyes can easily track, and takes the charging boy with golden eyes straight through the chest as he leaps to the side, quick but not nearly, not _nearly_, quick enough.

He vanishes in a puff of smoke.

Stupid. _Stupid_.

How could you be so stupid?

You don't have time to ponder just how incredibly, how monumentally, how _spectacularly_ stupid you have been before a hand of pure glowing orange chakra shoots up through the surface of the water _below your feet_, and seizes your leg.

You're gone, beneath the surface, before you have time to take even a panicked breath.

Down there, it's peaceful, tranquil even. Quiet, except for the sound of water rushing past your ears and your own muffled struggling.

The sensation of movement stops as quickly as it started. Your eyes open. You can still see, though whether that's because of the Sharingan or because you aren't to deep for light to cease its normal travel routine is impossible to determine. It wouldn't matter anyway, because the person in front of you is bright enough as it is.

It's unmistakably Him. But where he once had on his _stupid_ orange and black uniform, now he's cloaked in rolling, warm, _goddamn orange_ chakra.

It's strangely familiar. The last time he and you fought, at the Valley of the End, the red chakra that had gushed out of him after a seemingly fatal chidori strike had felt a little like this. But where that had been like a dam breaking, this was more like a waterfall, or a tide in the ocean. Ceaseless, yes, and difficult to control, but _routine_, predictable and guided.

Doubtlessly, that means trouble.

His eyes are different too. Before they were orange, unnaturally slit pupils glaringly inhuman. Now, the slit is vertical, not horizontal, and they're _red_. In fact, they remind you uncomfortably of your own.

But there's no sense of rage, no killing intent that makes you want to stop your own heart just to have a moment of clarity in the miasma of death. Just the peaceful lull of the water washing over you, and a look on you former best friend's face that seems horribly like pity.

_You_ _did not ask for pity. _

You try to rage, to scream, to thrash. To tell him how much you hate him, how much you wish he would just _fuck off and die_. But he just sits there, that look of reluctance and pity on his face, and orange arms of chakra wrap around your body, securing you in the water and leaving you completely vulnerable.

And then he stops.

You understand what he's doing, of course. He knows he can't beat you one on one. So he's brought you down here to drown. No man, no matter how powerful, can defeat waterlogged lungs.

You won't let yourself lose in such an inglorious manner.

Your eyes widen, they _burn_, as your ultimate weapon swells within in them.

His eyes widen as well, but not in anticipation. Rather, in _alarm_.

He releases you, and brings up his real arms. It's too late for him though. Black flames, _Amaterasu_, pour from you eyes, and covers his left hand in unquenchable fire. He screams. Under the water, it's a warbling sound, something that sounds both heartbreaking and hilarious, but you don't care, because you are _set_ for the surface, _flying_ upwards in a bid for air.

You break out of the lake, gasping, and for a moment you just float there, imagining that the water is soothing the sickening burning in your right eye. It's not, of course, but the feeling would be nice.

You eventually make your way to your feet, unsteady but alive. Just a moment later, an orange blur shoots up from your left, splashing back down with very final kind of smacking sound. From within the water surging upwards, you hear what can only be described as a growl.

Ah. Now, he's _angry_.

When the water finally clears and you get a good look at him, you almost chuckle.

His left hand is gone. Clean off. Not bleeding, not ragged. There's just a stump where it was, far to clean to be anything but that damn Rasengan of his.

Outwardly, you smirk as he glowers at you. But secretly, you're impressed. You didn't think he had it in him to actually _carve limbs off _to bring you back.

It's a strange twist of fortune that he is now placed directly where you were standing at the beginning of the fight, and you where he stood (or at least his clone). But unlike before, there is no blind charge this time. He begins to circle you, steadily making that growling noise, as Susanoo rises once more.

He doesn't let it form all the way. He's on you before that can happen.

Red chakra burns and tears, his hands, claw like, dash through the air, and you suddenly fight yourself far more beaten and burned than you were seconds ago. It's not an even fight, not by any stretch of the imagination: he is simply pounding on you, doing his best to beat you into submission. He glares at you, and for a moment you lock eyes.

It's enough.

Tsukuyomi leaps into his mind, places him in a world of endless pain as illusionary allies rip out his eyes and tiny hands scrabble for his lungs, and suddenly he's still, almost paralytic, as you tumble away across the water, desperately trying to get some distance. As you roll, ethereal ribs spring into being around you.

Which is good, because the next moment, all pretense of sanity gone, he slams into them, shaking your teeth and jarring your true ribs.

_Impossible_. You hadn't dismissed the Tsukuyomi, and it definitely hadn't run its course. But as you turn, you catch sight of his eyes, and suddenly the fight has become far, far more than an annoyance. Now, it is most certainly life and death.

There's nothing left of your old friend right now. The monster inside of him, Kyūbi no Kitsune, has completely taken over. And you can tell, without a doubt, that that _thing_ wants you dead.

With the blond haired body at its disposable, that's more than possible; hell, it's _likely_.

You fall back once more, Susanoo comforting chill around you, but he's after you, a crimson bolt of pure hate. He batters against the ribs, red chakra breaking like a corrosive tide against the mauve skeleton, and it's all you can do to keep the rising agony in your very cells from collapsing the Ultimate Protection.

The skeleton, half formed, lashes out, a half-baked attempt to crush the glowing, growling monster, and it dodges with the kind of contemptuous ease that most monsters dream of. And then it hits you again. The ribs shake, but they don't break. But the pain is incredible nonetheless.

Another wild swing, another graceful dodge. This time though, when he slides forward, desperate to tear out your throat or broil your eyes or snap your spine, you meet his charge, power-through-sacrifice against power-of-sacrifice, and when you crash together, he's the one to fly back, flailing through the air.

When he lands, he collapses. And as soon as you see that he has, you do as well.

You look down.

He may have been the one who was sent flying, but you're the one who is suddenly missing several pounds of your chest. A ragged slash, the memento of a _claw_, has torn through your left pectoral, barely missing the nipple, and taken muscle with it.

Blood, bright red, swirls into the dark water. You hack up more of it. The whole of your chest feels like it's on fire.

You look up, and you don't know whether to be relieved or terrified when you find not red, but blue eyes gazing at you. They looked horrified.

"Sasuke-" It's the first words he's spoken during this fight. If it were up to you, they would also be the last.

You roar, and charge, lightning sparking in your hand. More blood pours from your chest and mouth, and the burning intensifies, but you ignore both: the whole of your being is focused on _ending _Him.

You're fast. You've always been fast. But for the first time in your life, He is faster.

The stump of his left hand smashes into your face. You both hear and feel your nose break simultaneously, the sickening crack echoing through your skull. Your chidori pushes forward, burying itself in his side.

He doesn't say anything. Just continues to stare at you. And his eyes…

Blood drips from his mouth, and the smell of burning flesh fills the air. But his eyes aren't flickering with rage. Aren't weighed down with regret.

And there isn't any pity there either. They just look at you, and they _accept_.

"Sasuke." He says, his voice cracking, more blood dribbling down his chin. "I'm sorry."

You twist your fist, and he bursts into smoke.

A sledgehammer takes you in the back, and you fall forward, your breath stolen. You hit the water and begin to sink, unable to keep yourself on the surface.

Hands grab hold of your cloak and haul you back up before you take in a breath of water.

You thrash. You punch, and kick. The Susano'o sputters into existence for a brief moment, and then someone punches you in the face again and your concentration falls and with it, your protection.

"Hold _still_, teme!" Oh god. He really thinks you'll allow this? That you'll be taken _alive_? That he'll just carry you back to the village and they'll finally accept him, accept _you_, and it will all be okay again?

_Never_.

It will _never_ happen.

And yet, your conviction, your _knowing_, that this is the truth doesn't stop him from smashing you upside the head (was that a _rock_?).

As the world begins to fade away, greying out as consciousness flees with your blood, you smirk.

Because you may have lost this battle, but you know it's not over yet.

Not. Even. Close.

###

**Wrote about half of this... a long time ago. Decided to finish it up, because... well, I think that it's kinda cool.**

**Plus, it's looking like Not Sick won't be having any Sasuke vs Naruto anytime soon (on account of, well, you know). Speaking of which, Chapter 4 will be up this weekend: finishing touches are being applied now.**

**Sorry 'bout the ending. Rather weak. However, I do have vague plans to continue it, because I've always wondered about what would happen if Naruto actually _did_ manage to drag Sasuke back to Konoha; so many fics just imprison him. That's not interesting. I wanna try something new.**

**Hope you enjoyed. Leave a review if you did. It's always nice to see what people think of my writing. **


	7. Definitely Not Stolen From Captain Space

**The following is a parody of the author's **_**own work**_** that is based on **_**another's work **_**(namely, Masashi Kishimoto). Do I still need a disclaimer?**

**Note: You will find this a lot funnier if you read Not Sick first. Or at least the first chapter.**

Not Sick Abridged

Chapter One: Psych!

(ITACHI sits in his throne, looking AWESOME. SASUKE enters, looking CONSTIPATED)

ITACHI: Sasuke.

SASUKE: Itachi.

ITACHI: UNORIGINAL DIALOGUE FROM THE SOURCE MATERIAL ESTABLISHING FAMILIARITY.

SASUKE: THREATENING RETORT, ALSO TAKEN FROM CANON.

(ITACHI uses NINJA SKILLS to appear behind SASUKE. They FIGHT. It looks basically the same as the anime. SASUKE gets KICKED IN THE FACE)

SASUKE: Ha! You fool, this is anime! You might as well have spat on me! At least then you might have harmed my pride!

(ITACHI kicks SASUKE across the room. He is, of course, unharmed, because SHONEN)

SASUKE: Chidori!

(ITACHI jumps: SASUKE'S incredibly deadly move that he uses by running in a straight line MISSES. What a surprise)

SASUKE: Surprise! I was on the ceiling the whole time!

(He STABS ITACHI. There's a lot of blood. They both crash to the ground)

SASUKE: YELLED INTERROGATIVE! (Why was I left?)

(ITACHI disappears)

SASUKE: Whuh?

ITACHI: Surprise. I was in the chair the whole time.

(SASUKE stabs ITACHI again, this time through the chair)

SASUKE: YELLED INTERROGATIVE!

(ITACHI and the throne fade away. SASUKE throws LIGHTNING at ITACHI'S FACE, which is behind him. He misses)

ITACHI: Still in the chair.

SASUKE: STANDARD FLASHBACK TO PREVIOUS "FIGHT" USING _ITALICS_!

(They FIGHT, in the past and the present. SASUKE gets BEATEN UP in both)

ITACHI: Good. Give in to your anger. Rise up and strike me down with all your hate! I did kill your family, after all.

SASUKE: REVEAL OFFSCREEN REVELATION.

ITACHI: Why yes, I was helped by Madara Uchiha.

SASUKE: INTERROGATIVE (with indoor voice).

ITACHI: OUT-OF-CHARACTER MOTIVE RANT!

SASUKE: Holy shit! You really want to take my eyeballs?

ITACHI: Yes.

SASUKE: With your bare hands?

ITACHI: Yes.

SASUKE: I feel like that's kind of unhygienic.

ITACHI: I have a jar. It has… fluids in it.

SASUKE: Fluids?

ITACHI: _Cleansing _fluids. They, like, keep things clean.

SASUKE: Okay…

(Everything that has happened so far has ALL BEEN A DREAM. SASUKE and ITACHI both wake up)

SASUKE: WTF?

(They fight (again). It's PRETTY COOL. ITACHI JUMPS THROUGH A FIREBALL and punches SASUKE with a FLAMING FIST)

SASUKE: Ow.

ITACHI: Should I take off my cloak? (Starts to). Nah. It's kinda cold in here anyway, despite the ENORMOUS FIREBALLS.

(They FIGHT SOME MORE. It's starting to get KIND OF TIRESOME)

SASUKE: Does the fight scene really have to be this long? Nothing's happening: shouldn't there be some sort of climax or something-

(ITACHI FALLS ON HIM)

SASUKE: Lame.

(ITACHI DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN)

ITACHI: Tsukuyomi!

(_Standard Nightmarish Italics (SNI) _ensue_. _It's KIND OF GROSS)

SASUKE: AHHHHHHH! What is this, Stephen fucking King? Goddamn plagiarists!

(He BREAKS the Tsukuyomi. ITACHI gets KICKED across the room, which for some reason is MILDLY DAMAGED)

ITACHI: Dammit plot convenience! Oh, and "Impossible!"

SASUKE: Are we seriously staying this close to canon? Really? I thought this was a What-If fic! Where's the divergence?

(The FIGHT RESUMES. ITACHI fails to dodge an IMPOSSIBLE TO PREDICT TRAP, after _successfully_ dodging two ENORMOUS SPINNING BLADES)

SASUKE: Still the same? Come on!

(SASUKE shoots a FIREBALL. ITACHI jumps over it, and finds SASUKE waiting for him)

SASUKE: Chidori!

(They somehow end up on the roof)

SASUKE: How the hell did that happen?

ITACHI (shrugging): Chakra?

(The audience ACCEPTS THIS EXPLANATION)

ITACHI: Now, SASUKE, you've forced me to activate my trump card, which I haven't used till now even though it would have been far more useful in the confined space we were just in! Susano'o!

(A GIANT RED SKELETON forms around ITACHI. It is BADASS)

(SASUKE RUNS. ITACHI conveniently SETS THE FOREST ON FIRE. With his EYES)

SASUKE: Perfect! Now I can use my ultimate technique!

(SASUKE shoots off a bunch of FIRE DRAGONS into the air, COMPLETELY MISSING ITACHI)

ITACHI: WTF?

(SASUKE then apparently FAINTS. ITACHI investigates the OBVIOUSLY NOT UNCONSIOUS BODY)

SASUKE: Plot no Jutsu!

(SASUKE somehow makes it to the highest point around for miles WITHOUT HIS PRODIGY BROTHER NOTICING. The audience DOES NOT QUESTION THIS. Also, there is a sudden DRAMATIC LIGHTNING STORM)

ITACHI: Dammit plot convenience! Sasuke, how the hell do you _do_ that?! Also, VAGUE THREAT.

SASUKE: You fool! I'm not out of plot conveniences yet!

ITACHI: You don't mean…

SASUKE: Yes! I planned this whole lightning storm that has suddenly appeared for barely adequately explained reasons! And now, I'm going to hit you with it!

ITACHI: Wait, am I just going to die again? What kind of What-If is this?

(SASUKE does EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID HE WOULD DO. The bunker EXPLODES)

SASUKE: Good thing I'm a NINJA. If I weren't, this several hundred-foot fall would probably be an issue.

(SASUKE looks around. ITACHI is lying on the ground, ARTISTICALLY DEAD)

SASUKE: Yep, he's definitely dead. He's in the Jesus pose and everything.

ITACHI: I'm not dead, actually.

SASUKE: Yes, certainly dead. I have finally avenged my family.

ITACHI: Sasuke, come on, seriously. I need to tell you something.

SASUKE: Goddamit Itachi, you better not ruin this for me!

(ITACHI DOES. Then, he DIES (for real this time (kinda)))

SASUKE: Oh my god, he was training me the whole time? I feel… I feel… EMOTIONS!

(He DOES. They are, of course, in _italics_)

SASUKE: Wait, my eyes hurt. Could it be… no, impossible! The MANGEKYŌ SHARINGAN!

(It IS)

ITACHI: Just as planned.

(There is some TRIPPY SHIT. SASUKE is back where he was when ITACHI FELL ON HIM. It's kind of awkward)

ITACHI: PSYCH! It was all a dream! Again!

SASUKE: Hold on a second, can you even do that? Pull "it was all a dream" twice in a row? Actually, three times in a row! I don't even…wait, so _this_ is the divergence! Finally! Only took the whole chapter to get here! And another thing! Is this going to be your excuse for holding the Idiot Ball so much during that fight? Cause I won't lie, you kinda sucked, particularly after the Susano'o showed-

(ITACHI RIPS OUT ONE OF SASUKE'S EYES)

SASUKE: AAAGGHHH! FUCK! WHY?!

ITACHI: Sorry. I need them. Pinky promise it'll all turn out allright, though.

(He RIPS OUT THE OTHER EYE. For some reason, SASUKE FAINTS LIKE A WUSS)

ITACHI: Oh, and one last thing: CRYPTIC FORESHADOWING.

THE END

###

**Tried to publish this earlier. Got taken down because apparently I can't publish something based around a script style. Hopefully, that won't happen again. Hope you enjoyed it. Leave a review if you did.**


	8. You Should Probably Go Watch Code Ment

Not Sick Chapter 2 Abridged

Colorblind

(SAKURA is getting frustrated. So are other people, but for now, she's the PERSPECTIVE CHARACTER)

(ALSO, TOBI is being a DICK. How surprising)

SAKURA: This is totally unfair, you know. Becoming intangible and all that.

TOBI: Oh? Really? I should just stand still and let you hit me with your super strength?

SAKURA: Yes.

TOBI: Well, that was… blunt. Kinda awkward, actually.

SAKURA: Stand still you fucker!

HINATA: Hey guys, someone's coming…

(ZETSU arrives, hopefully forestalling more awkwardness)

ZETSU: I eat people!

(Or not)

TOBI: Ah! Perfect! Now I can drop this moronic persona I've been maintaining for poorly explained reasons!

ZETSU: Aw, boss, I thought they were okay! **Suckup. **Shut up! Also, I'm here to deliver exposition! Everyone listen up!

KAKASHI: Even us?

ZETSU: _Especially _you guys.

TOBI: Uh, Zetsu, I actually don't think-

ZETSU: ANYWAY ITACHI TOTALLY KICKED SASUKE'S ASS! He didn't eat him afterwards though. Kinda awkward, really.

(EVERYONE stares)

ZETSU: Oh and he took Sasuke's eyes.

(EVERYONE is SHOCKED. EVEN SHINO)

NARUTO: NO!

SAKURA: NO!

SAI: Meh.

TOBI: GASP? Oh, right. GASP! That surprises me too!

(TOBI begins to mutter to himself, loudly enough for everyone to hear but softly enough for it to be clear he's talking to himself. This is the art of NINJA MUTTERING, and you aren't allow to graduate from the NINJA ACADEMY without learning it)

TOBI: OMINOUS FORESHADOWING FOR YET MORE TWISTS IN THE PLOT!

NARUTO: Thank god he warned us! It would have been terrible to stumble into that unprepared!

(TOBI and ZETSU LEAVE. EVERYONE turns to HINATA for her PLOT EYES, which have the power to ADVANCE THE PLOT)

HINATA: What? Do I have something on my- Oh, right. The PLOT LOCATION is over there.

(They all go OVER THERE)

MEANWHILE, THE STAGE IS SET!

Also, SUDDEN PERSPECTIVE SHIFT!

KARIN: What, now I'M the perspective character? That was quick. I wonder if that's going to happen a lot more or something. That could get really-

(ITACHI ARRIVES. He is CARRYING SASUKE)

KARIN: WTF?

JUUGO: THIS UNSETTLES ME.

SUIGETSU: Wait, I basically don't exist for the rest of the scene? NO, DON'T, I SWEAR I CAN BE FUNNY DON'T DO-

(The AUTHOR IGNORES HIM)

KISAME: FRIENDLY BANTER AMONGST INTERNATIONAL CRIMINALS.

ITACHI: BLANK LOOK (He's really good at those). Also, VAGUELY THREATENING QUESTION. (Is there a doctor in the house?)

KARIN: EXCEPTIONALLY WARY ANSWER. (Why yes I am. What do you need?)

ITACHI: Ha! No, sorry, it's not me (2x). It's for _him_.

(Turns out SASUKE doesn't have eyes. The AUDIENCE knew this, but the CHARACTERS DIDN'T. WHAT DRAMATIC IRONY!)

(_I don't think that's what_-)

(**Shut up**!)

(Anyway, PERSPECTIVE SHIFT!)

NARUTO: Jesus Christ, again? Wait, what was I doing? Oh, right. Ruminating on Itachi. God, those pouting lips, those weird stress lines on his cheeks, his _hypnotic _eyes…

(NARUTO, distracted by his UCHIHA-LUST, accidentally gets CLOTHESLINED by the MAN OF HIS DREAMS)

NARUTO: ITACHI! I was _just_ thinking about you!

ITACHI: Oh, god. Please don't tell me-

NARUTO: Have I ever told you how much you remind me of _Sasuke_? Because you really, really do!

MEANWHILE, THE STAGE IS SET! (again)

KAKASHI: DAMMIT NARUTO! I lose track of you for TWO MINUTES and you end up pinned under an S-rank criminal! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?!

SAKURA: Naruto, get out from under him RIGHT NOW!

(NARUTO DOES. Nothing scares him more than SAKURA)

ITACHI: Fret not, Leaf buddies! I'm not here to fight!

KAKASHI: …

ITACHI: No, I'm serious! Look, I already got what I came for! (He shows them SASUKE'S Eyes)

NARUTO: His beautiful eyes! You, you… wondrous monster! Give those back right now!

SAKURA: Naruto, we already knew this. That weird plant guy told us, remember?

NARUTO: Oh, yeah. Zetsu, right?

SAKURA: Actually, I don't think we ever really caught his name.

KAKASHI: No, we did. I NINJA MUTTERED it.

EVERYONE: Oh, okay.

KIBA: Hey, can I have a line?

EVERYONE: NO.

ITACHI: Wait, back up. Weird plant guy?

KAKASHI: Yeah, him and some guy in a mask. He left after dropping some OMINIOUS FORESHADOWING.

(ITACHI shows EMOTION for the first time ever. For some BIZARRE reason, it is NOT in _Italics_)

ITACHI: Oh, shit.

KAKASHI: Ah. Well, that's an excuse if I ever heard one. BRIEF EMO MOMENT.

(IMPERCEPTIBLE PERSPECTIVE SHIFT)

(_The hell was the point of that?)_

(**WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!**)

(_Oh god!) _

ITACHI: Instead of clearly explaining the nature of the threat that shall surely murder us all, OMINIOUS FORESHADOWING.

NARUTO: Wait. Can't you just-

ITACHI: Naruto. HEARTFELT WORDS (ABOUT SASUKE).

NARUTO: Well, yeah, that's nice, but-

ITACHI: Seriously, just go! What the hell is wrong with you people? I'm ITACHI FUCKING UCHIHA! "The Walking Genocide!" I have killed A LOT of people to get that title! When I say RUN, you should fucking-

TOBI: We're not interrupting anything, are we?

(EVERYONE TURNS. TOBI and a MYSTERIOUS STRANGER have ARRIVED)

ITACHI: Fuck.

(SUDDENLY, SASUKE WAKES UP. For reasons of DRAMA, he is DRUGGED)

SASUKE: But why couldn't it be funny drugs?

(Because that would go against the mood at the moment)

SASUKE: But I'm fucking BORING! I'm just a little out of it! Placid! Why is this even-

(ITACHI KNOCKS HIM THE HELL OUT, possibly AGGRAVATING THE EXISTING HEAD INJURY he no doubt got when he was BODY SLAMMED earlier)

ITACHI: I AM A LOVING BROTHER.

TOBI: O-okay. See, this is why I wiped out the Uchiha. You guys are all batshit.

ITACHI: Says the man who wants to project an illusion on the moon through his EYES and enslave the world.

TOBI: Hey. How do you know that?

ITACHI: This is an abridging! I know everything!

TOBI: Everything?

ITACHI: EVERYTHING.

TOBI: Even my SECRET IDENTITY?

ITACHI: Of course I do, MADARA UCHIHA.

(Somehow, it's obvious that TOBI is sweatdropping even through the mask)

TOBI: Wow. That's… terrible! How will I enact my evil plan now?

ITACHI: YOU WON'T! SPOILERS: THAT'S THE POINT OF THIS FIC! I'M GOING TO SHUT YOU DOWN HARDER THAN I DID THE UCHIHA COUP!

TOBI: You know, that's actually a pretty good analogy.

NARUTO: Wait, I'm lost. Coup?

KAKASHI: Don't worry about it, Naruto. I'm pretty sure this isn't canon anyway.

NARUTO: No, I mean, isn't a coup a place where birds roost? How the hell do you shut that down? And did the Uchiha even keep birds? Were they pigeons? Actually, now that I think about it, they probably kept, like, hawks, or something. Sasuke strikes me as a hawk guy. You think if I got him a pet hawk when I brought him back to the village he'd-

(EVERYONE stares at him)

NARUTO: I've misunderstood something, haven't I?

TOBI: ANYWAY, we've gotten off track. I brought this guy here to kill you.

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: My eyes are PURPLE!

TOBI: Yes. Yes they are. Anyway, to add at least _a little_ flavor to this butter-less pasta of language, ja ne.

(He DISAPPEARS with a NINJA ABILITY even OTHER NINJAS don't understand. THAT'S how NINJA it is)

NARUTO: Damn. I wish I was _that_ NINJA. Anyway, mystery guy, why do your eyes look so much like Kurenai-sensei's?

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: What?

NARUTO: I mean, the rings, the weird ripple thing, the coloration…

SAKURA: Naruto, those eyes are purple.

NARUTO: Eh?

KIBA: (_Oh my god I get to say something for real don't fuck up don't fuck up) _Yeah, and Kunerai-sesnei's are red (_GODDAMMIT KIBA. ONE SENTENCE. THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDN'T TALK._)

(No one notices KIBA'S mistake. This is because he is KIBA.)

NARUTO: What? Really? They look really similar to me…

SAKURA: Wait a minute… Naruto, what color is your jumpsuit?

NARUTO: Black! Because I'm a ninja! And ninjas are traditionally shown to wear black in most media, a practice that originated in Kabuki theatre! So, I honor our ancient inspiration by-

(MASS FACEPALM)

NARUTO: What?

THE END

###

**Personally, I like this one far better than the first chapter. Probably 'cause there are more characters to work with.**

**Not Sick is on a teeny weeny break as my beta and I try to stay afloat amongst the New Year's oncoming tides. I hope this will entertain at least some of you.  
Also: coop and coup, while looking like they should be pronounced the same, aren't. But Naruto doesn't know that. Hence that throwaway joke.  
**


	9. The Path Not Traveled

Heavy Rain

"You. Redhead. Use that. Kill Yahiko. Do this, and you and the woman will walk away from here."

Nagato stared at the kunai stuck in the mud before him, his eyes wide.

Yahiko stared at it as well, his face impossible to read.

"Nagato! Don't! Forget me! Run! Get away from here!" Konan screamed as Hanzō yanked at her hair, and Nagato's head jerked up to look at her, indecision clear on his face.

"Nagato." Yahiko's voice, clear and calm, pulled Nagato's attention from the struggling Konan. He looked at his brother in all but blood, and he didn't like what he found on the man's face. "Do it. Kill me."

The redhead froze, staring without comprehension.

"Please." Yahiko said. "You have to. It's the only way."

"It's… it's not. We can get out of this!" The redhead finally found his voice. Yahiko just shook his head. "No." He said, his voice sure. "We won't. Everyone else is gone. Can't you feel it? Hanzō already dealt with them. Now it's just us and him."

"Hurry it up!" The man in the mask called down to them. "I don't have all day! Or would you rather you see the woman die before yourself, Akatsuki?"

Gulping, Nagato bent down to pick up the kunai, if only to gather some time to think. The knife trembled in his hands, the rain having long since rendered them numb. The grip was slippery.

He turned to his friend. "Yahiko-"

There was no warning. There was no time. There was no chance. Nagato barely had time for his eyes to go wide.

Yahiko threw himself upon the blade in a burst of blinding speed, and Nagato staggered backwards as his friend's weight crashed into him. He could feel the kunai digging into Yahiko's chest, moving up under the ribcage and into his heart. He could feel blood on his hand, pumping from the wound in Yahiko's chest; blood on his shoulder, dripping from Yahiko's mouth as his head went limp against Nagato's neck.

"Nagato." Yahiko's voice was strong, despite the fact there was a kunai buried in his heart, but it was steadily failing. "Take Konan and get out of here. You and she are all that's left. You _must _survive." He coughed, and Nagato felt more blood on his neck and shoulder. "No matter what it takes. Remember…" He said, trailing off.

"You are the _savior_… of this world."

Nagato stepped backwards, shocked, and Yahiko slid off the kunai and crashed to the ground. A pool of blood, paled by the rain, spread out from beneath him. There was a faint smile on his face.

"I know… you can… do it." He said.

And then he died.

_Yahiko died_.

Nagato heard Konan screaming, but didn't really register it. He was too busy staring at the body of his first and best friend. The smile had slipped from his face: it was now lax in death. That wasn't right. Yahiko was always smiling. He was just that kind of person. Him lying there, in a slowly spreading pool of his own blood, a pained and vacant expression on his face… it just wasn't right.

Konan screamed again, and he heard another voice, one deep and menacing.

"Kill him too."

Nagato looked up slowly, in no rush (what was the point, Yahiko was dead, the brave one was dead, the man who would be god was dead) and found hundreds of kunai and shuriken bearing down of him. They would tear him apart, send him dead to the muddy earth, and make him Yahiko's equal. Make him something he'd never been in life.

But Nagato saw something else, something that was entirely _not_ the coming kunai and the gleeful faces of the ninja who had thrown them.

He saw, clear as day, two paths set before him.

The first: revenge.

The second: rebirth.

They were for him to choose as he saw fit. _Nagato _could choose, something he'd rarely had the chance to do in his life. He could choose how this day would end. Choose the course of his life, in this moment, as the blood of his friend began to wash against the edge of his sandals and a storm of metal bore down on him as the only other person he loved, the only other person he'd _sworn_ to protect, desperately screamed in denial.

To Nagato, the choice seemed easy. These men had killed his friend. These men had helped turn the Land of Rain into a blasted wasteland where the other shinobi villages fought tooth and nail over issues that wouldn't affect the people of Rain at all if the other villages didn't choose to make the place their battleground. And one man, the re-breather wearing _bastard_ that stood above him, had been the architect of his own lands destruction.

Of _course_ they deserved to die. Was there any doubt?

He raised his hand, and effortlessly swatted away the razor death with a pulse of his will. He felt shock and confusion above him, and he smiled. They should be confused. They should be _scared_. He was going to kill them all. He was going to get them back for Yahiko. He was going to get _revenge_.

_There is far too much hatred in this world. I intend to do something about it._

Nagato paused, the words of his sensei ringing through his mind. He froze, his legs still tensed. Another wave of kunai came: he repelled it just as he had the last, barely focusing. Metal clattered on metal as they fell to the ground, and Nagato frowned, the look horrifying to those who could see it. When people who blocked kunai with their _mind_ frowned, it was generally asserted that bad things were about to happen.

_I believe that those eyes of yours may hold the answer, Nagato. The answer to all this world's hatred._

Was sensei's answer the death of these men? The death of Hanzō? Nagato thought, as the Rain ninja stared.

No.

It wasn't.

Despite these men being enemies, Jiraiya would want them dead no more than he would Nagato himself. As a necessity, to protect others: of course. But not for _revenge_; never for revenge.

But what was he supposed to do? Just let them walk away? He couldn't. He couldn't do that. It was impossible. How could he create peace by letting murderers like these escape?

"Nagato!" Konan screamed again, and he looked up to find her held in the air, Hanzō's hand around her throat and a kunai gripped in his hand. He didn't hesitate: there was not way he would lose both his friends today. That could not happen. He raised a hand towards Konan.

"Banshō Ten'in." He murmured, and Konan was torn from Hanzō's grasp, rocketing down towards him. He caught her in his arms, sliding backwards across the ground before slowing to a stop. Hanzo looked at him, incredulous. The rest of the ninja contingent stared.

Nagato set Konan on her feet, and she rushed to Yahiko, falling over his bleeding body, weeping. He stared at her for a moment, then back up at Hanzō. The leader of Amegakure was staring back, cocking his head slightly.

"I see." The man said. "You were the true leader. But you made a mistake in revealing yourself to me. I truly did believe that Yahiko was in charge. What will you do now, boy?"

Nagato looked at him, his gaze flickering, and then looked down. "I don't know." He said, barely loud enough to be heard over the rain.

"What?" Hanzō replied, sounding like he was chuckling. "You don't know? Not much of a leader, are you? Shouldn't you be trying to avenge your subordinates?"

Nagato's voice was even quieter than it had been before, but Hanzō could still hear it. "I'm not the leader. And _I don't know_."

"Come on, brat!" Hanzō yelled. "I didn't come all the way out here just for you to give up and die. Fight! I want to see something exciting! Show me what a student of the Sannin can do!"

"NO!" Nagato yelled, his voice far louder than the rain should have allowed. Hanzō flinched, and several of the Rain ninja involuntarily took a step or two backwards. The Root contingent merely stared, their faces hidden behind their masks.

"I WON'T TAKE REVENGE! I WON'T RUIN SENSEI'S DREAM!" He was panting, his eyes manic. He looked completely crazed. "I want to kill you now! All of you! Crush you into the ground, rip out your souls, turn you to dust! Do you know what this is!?" He yelled, jabbing at his eye. "This is the RINNEGAN! I have the eyes of the Sage himself! Do you really think I couldn't kill you were you stand! It would be _too easy_!" Konan looked up from Yahiko's body, her tears still flowing.

"But I'm not going to!" Nagato yelled. "I _can't_. What would sensei think of me then? He entrusted his peace to me: I can't just abandon it! But now…" he clutched his head. "Now, Yahiko's dead and I _don't know what to do_!" He finished, looking desperate.

"Enough of this." A calm, inflectionless voice made Hanzō and Nagato turn, looking at the group of Konoha ninja. The one in front, who was apparently the leader despite his complete lack of identification, had spoken. He did so again, with just as little emotion. "Attack."

The masked men leapt into the air, all heading for Nagato, clearly meaning to overwhelm him with sheer numbers. The Rain ninja held back for one reason: because Hanzō himself did. He merely watched intently.

Nagato screamed, a sound of pain and fear and frustration, and pushed both his arms out towards the oncoming ninja. An invisible force shoved aside the rain between him and them before crashing headlong into the Leaf ninja, sending them flying back into the cliffs, slamming into the unforgiving rock with the sounds of breaking stones and muffled screams. They fell, and remained where they landed, twisted and mangled by the force that had crushed them.

"LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!" Nagato yelled, the rainfall making it look like he was crying. "We just wanted to _live_! All Yahiko wanted was a world where people like us could grow up without fear! Where there would be no orphans! And this-" he said, sweeping his hand over the crumpled bodies of the Root ninjas, "this is what's come of that dream! More bodies! More _orphans_! When will this stop!? Can't we just STOP!?"

And as Hanzō and his ninja's stared down at Nagato, who now, just like Konan, certainly _was_ crying, the rain stopped.

The clouds did not draw back. Sunlight did not illuminate the scene. The sky remained as grim as ever. Nonetheless, as if a switch had been flipped, the rain petered away, leaving many of the Ame-nin staring upwards in astonishment, Hanzō extremely unsettled, and the sound of Nagato's hiccupping clear.

This was the Land of Rain. There was a reason it was called that. The rain hadn't stopped in _months_. The chance that it would do so now, at that moment, was too laughable to call it a coincidence.

"Please." Nagato gasped, falling to his knees and pressing his hands into the ground, staring down. "Please, just go. Just leave. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Just go."

Hanzō turned to his subordinates, who stared back with undisguised fear. They thought that he was going to order them to attack as well. But Hanzō wasn't feared because he was suicidal, or because he threw away the lives of his ninja on a whim.

He looked over his shoulder at the weeping Nagato, and sighed. Without looking back, Hanzō spoke. Nagato froze, his tears forgotten, as he listened.

"You are a fool, boy. You regard the world with a child's eyes. War is not something that will just 'stop'. Hatred will always outlast peace. Alliances will always be temporary. This shinobi world is one of revenge and death, and no man will ever be able to change that." Hanzō's eyes were cold and little more than slits, and some of the Ame-nin shivered at the site of them. Nagato, still staring at the ground, drew his hands into fists.

"However…" Hanzō said, and Nagato looked up at his back. "You are a powerful fool, and I will not sacrifice more of my men to you today. So, we will leave for now. But be warned: we will be back. _I_ will be back, and then you will see how much of a child you are." Hanzō said, and then he held is hands up in a simple sign and vanished. His contingent followed him, several audibly sighing in relief, and then it was silent as Nagato stared at where they had been and Konan stared at him.

Moments later, the rain began again.

Nagato slammed his hand into the ground, sending out small cracks, and then collapsed, raggedly breathing. Konan slowly approached him, bending down besides him.

"Nagato?" She said, her voice trembling, and the redhead looked up at her, his eyes quivering.

"Sensei would be proud." She said, tearing up once more. She tried to hug him, but Nagato pushed her back, staggering to his feet and turning back to Yahiko, who still lay on the ground.

"Not yet." He said, trembling. "I'm not done yet." He shakily walked over to Yahiko's body as Konan watched, hurt by his rejection. He fell to his knees in front of his friend, and cradled his head.

"Nagato?" Konan asked. "What are you-?"

"The Sage of the Six Paths-" he interrupted her, his face fixed in concentration, "was said to have complete mastery over the world. Jiraiya-sensei told me. He could use all of the elements effortlessly. He could know any secret, judge men's souls, and control the primordial and the unknowable. He even had domain over the living and dead. Konan-" he said, looking up at her with eyes full of something she couldn't really identify. "I can do all that. I can use all the elements. I can use jutsu that manipulate gravity and rip people's lives away. I don't even know _how_, most of the time. I just _do_. So-" he said, staring back at Yahiko's body.

"I want to try something."

"Oh my god, Nagato. You can't really-" Konan said, before Nagato interrupted her again.

"I won't know until I try, Konan." He said, shrugging. Then, he closed his eyes and clutched his friend closer. His eyes moved rapidly under their lids, darting back and forth. He was looking for something.

He found it a moment later.

Nagato smiled, and Konan stared at him, unable to believe what she was seeing. "Nagato?" She asked.

The redhead brought his hands up in a simple sign, clasping them and raising two fingers. He took in a deep breath.

And _pulled_.

As Konan watched, the air around Nagato filled with his bright blue chakra. It burned away the rain around him, and instantly dried him and Yahiko. Nagato opened his eyes, and they too burned with something that hadn't been there before. His hands trembled, and he gritted his teeth, a trickle of blood running from his nose.

"Nagato, stop!" Konan cried. "Don't! I can't lose you too! Stop this!" The aura of chakra had expanded enough that it washed over her as well; warm and comforting even as she watched her friend seemingly kill himself right in front of her. There was too much chakra. No one could survive that kind of expenditure. This would have killed Jiraiya-sensei.

Nagato ignored her. He took another deep breath, and yelled.

"Give him back!"

Two things happened in an instant.

The first was Nagato's mouth, already wide, wrenching itself open just a little more and a green blur of light shooting from it, sinking into Yahiko's body. The orange-haired teen jerked, and then lay back.

The second was Nagato's hair suddenly turning white. The bright red seemingly slid away, as paleness spread from the roots of his hair, the top of his head turning first before the rest of it became just as bleached. Nagato's head went limp and he slumped on his knees, his hands falling away from Yahiko's head.

Konan gasped, and Yahiko's eyes shot open. He jerked upright, nearly colliding with Nagato's head as the former redhead wheezed, completely exhausted. Yahiko looked around wildly, before seeing Konan, who was staring at him, eyes wide and mouth even wider.

"Konan?" He asked, completely confused. "What happened? I thought-"

He looked back at Nagato, who was panting, wavering on his knees as darkness closed in on him. "Nagato! Your hair… what's going on?"

Nagato didn't answer. He just collapsed, completely unconscious.

And the rain fell.

###

**I published this a while ago. However, no one read it.**

**So instead of having it clutter up my Stories, I'm just shoving it in here. Leave a review if you enjoyed it: like many other things here, I do have vague plans to continue it.**

**Serendipity, out.**


	10. Butterfingers

Whoops

"Thank you, Sakura. However, this next one will require a bit more cooperation; I won't be able to place it in the container myself. You'll have to take it from me." Itachi said, apparently perfectly calm despite the thick, almost black blood pouring from where his right eye should have been.

Sakura felt like screaming. Nothing she had ever done under Tsunade had been anything like this. People weren't supposed to just _mutilate_ themselves and act like nothing was happening.

Itachi's hand came back up, shaking slightly. There was another popping noise, and Sakura heard someone behind her make a vomiting noise. She couldn't tell who it was: she was too busy trying not to do the same herself.

The hand came back, opened upward. Sakura shut her eyes tightly at the site of Sasuke's eye staring at her, and placed her hand under Itachi's.

There was a moment of silence, and then a dull plopping sound.

Sakura cracked her eye open the tiniest bit, curious what the noise was.

She looked down, and found Itachi's hand turned over, Sasuke's eye no longer in it.

Her own hand was turned upward, ready to receive Sasuke's eye.

It was about two inches to the left of Itachi's hand.

Sakura looked farther down. Sasuke's eye was lying on the dusty ground, looking dirty but otherwise intact.

Itachi cocked his eyeless head to the side. "Sakura? Did you just-"

Sakura nodded, then realised that Itachi couldn't possibly tell she was. So instead, she tried to apologize as deeply as possible: to craft the most caring, inoffensive, desperate apology in her life. She opened her mouth.

What came out could possibly been interpreted as a choked, quivering, "Whoops."

Itachi just sighed. "Pick it up, please."

###

What? It totally could have happened.

(In case you couldn't tell, this is an alternate take on one of my scenes from my other story, Not Sick. Hopefully, you found it momentarily funny.)


	11. Not Sick Abridged 3

Not Sick Abridged Chapter 3

Scene Shift Overdose

NARUTO: So I've been wearing orange this whole time?!

SAKURA: Yep.

NARUTO: Why didn't you tell me?!

KAKASHI: We thought you knew!

NARUTO: You thought I wore orange ON PURPOSE? How dumb do you think I am?

(There is SILENCE)

NARUTO: No one. Answer that.

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: Anyway...

(HE SUMMONS THE OTHER FIVE PATHS OF PAIN)

KAKASHI: No one try to stop him!

SAKURA: Why would we-

KAKASHI: Plot convenience.

SAKURA: Damn it!

PAIN: Hello. I am here to kill Itachi and kidnap Naruto. So, now that that's out of the way, we can-

ITACHI: Hey!

PAIN: What?

ITACHI: Your friend summoned a bunch of ninjas in one turn! That's against the-

(PAIN FUCKS ITACHI UP_)_

NARUTO: Itachi-kun! I feel remorse for my very-recently-bitter-enemy! NOOOOOOO!

PAIN (glaring at the rest of the group): GO ON! Someone else make a reference! I dare you!

(There is SILENCE)

PAIN: Good. Now, Naruto, come with me if you want your friends to live. Or else I'll kill them. Like I killed Itachi. Who is dead.

ITACHI: I'm not dead yet…

PAIN: WHAT DID I JUST SAY!

ITACHI: Err, I meant, bleh.

PAIN: Good. Now, Naruto-

HINATA: Naruto! Don't listen to him! Believe in the me who believes in the you who believes in yourself!"

(Once again, there is SILENCE)

PAIN: Today, you.

NARUTO: Hey that was a-

PAIN: I AM A GOD! IT'S ALLOWED!

KAKASHI: EVERYBODY SPLIT UP!

(They DO)

PERSPECTIVE SWITCH!

SUIGETSU: What is this, Scooby Doo? An unstoppable villain with a B-mod fetish is chasing us, we've all scattered into the forest, and-

(The HUMAN PATH lands in front of him)

SUIGETSU: Zoinks!

(SUIGETSU and the HUMAN PATH fight. After about two minutes, it becomes clear that SUIGETSU is an INCREDIBLY LUCKY BASTARD)

SUIGETSU: Ha! Just my luck to fight the one opponent my unique abilities are perfect for! Now, I can make all the wisecracks I want, and no one will be able to-

(The HUMAN PATH LEAVES)

SUIGETSU: Well, that's fine. I can still-

(HINATA, KIBA, and AKAMARU make a cameo)

SUIGETSU: What! COME ON! You think the DOG is more important than-

PERSPECTIVE SWITCH!

(JUUGO is fighting the NARAKA PATH. He is NOT DOING WELL. However, for SOME REASON, KARIN is the perspective character)

SUIGESTU (in size 6 font): you fucker!

KARIN: Was that Suigetsu? Ah, I'm sure he's fine. Just like Juugo.

(The NARAKA PATH is STRANGLING JUUGO)

KARIN: Just fine. In fact, I should probably abandon him and go find Sasuke, even though he'd no doubt safe wherever his brother left him!

(SHE DOES. HE ISN'T)

JUUGO: YOU BITCH!

NARAKA: Tell me where Sasuke Uchiha is.

JUUGO: Seriously? You could have just followed her. She's going right to him.

(They stare at each other)

NARAKA: I knew that.

JUUGO: Really?

NARAKA: …

JUUGO: I don't think you did.

NARAKA: GIANT DEMON HEAD!

(Sure enough, there IS a GIANT DEMON HEAD)

JUUGO: You know, that power is such bullshit. It's so vaguely explained. From what we've seen, it can do basically-

(JUUGO'S TONGUE gets grabbed by a PULSATING PINK HAND. Which is also the DEMON HEAD'S TONGUE)

JUUGO (muffled): WTF?

NARAKA: And now, you die.

SUIGETSU: AW HELL NO!

(SUIGETSU CHOPS OFF THE NARAKA PATH'S HAND. IT'S KINDA GROSS)

NARAKA: Ow.

JUUGO: RELIEF.

SUIGETSU: FINALLY! I did something! I contributed to the story! Suck on that, author!

NARAKA: This will just grow back, you know. That's another one of my powers.

SUIGETSU: … Fuck you.

(The NARAKA PATH LEAVES. HE DOES THIS BY GETTING EATEN BY THE GIANT DEMON HEAD)

SUIGETSU: ?!

JUUGO: I AM UNSETTLED.

(THEY HEAD INTO THE FOREST, not to be seen again for a while)

SUIGETSU: Again!? What did I do to-!

PERSPECTIVE SHIFT! QUANTUM SHIFT (INTO THE _PAST_)!

KAKASHI: Why is the timeline shuffled like that? It's just needlessly confusing. I mean, did the author really need to show _every_ fight? Couldn't it have just been one and the rest could have been implie-

(THE ASURA PATH SHOOTS A SHIT-TON OF MISSILES AT HIM. Oh, and Team 8)

KIBA: Holy shit-ton of missiles, Batman! Err, I mean, Kakashi.

HINATA: Don't worry! I've been preparing for this day my whole life! Filler no jutsu!

(For some reason, SHE HAS. The missiles are all destroyed)

HINATA: Well, that was easy. Now we can-

(HINATA IS KIDNAPPED BY THE PLOT)

KIBA: Hinata! Curse you plot convenience!

(He chases her. Now, it's two on two. HOW CONVENIENT)

KAKASHI: Now, are you sure we can't talk about this?

(They CAN'T. So instead, they FIGHT. It's PRETTY UNINTERESTING)

KAKASHI: You know, this really isn't that bad. I've got a pole in my shoulder, but besides that we seem to be doing pretty-

(SHINO GETS SHOT IN THE HEAD)

KAKASHI: Shit.

(SHINO BURSTS FROM THE GROUND AND SUCKER PUNCHES THE ANIMAL PATH)

SHINO: You fool! You thought Sasuke was the only one who knew the plot no jutsu? It's an academy standard!

(THE HUMAN PATH TACKLES HIM OFF THE ROOF. They won't be seen again for a while)

KAKASHI: That seems to be happening a lot lately.

(The battle continues. Eventually, KAKASHI, the ASURA PATH and the HUMAN PATH end up in the streets)

KAKASHI (pinned beneath the AUSURA PATH): You know, in the excitement, I lost track of how many times you fired that arm cannon. So I guess the question now is: do I feel lucky? Considering I've made it to my second decade as an elite shinobi while all my friends have died around me-

(The ASURA PATH FIRES. SHINO'S Plot no jutsu, however, is still in effect. So THE ASURA PATH'S ARM EXPLODES)

KAKASHI: I'D SAY I FEEL PRETTY DAMN LUCKY!

(He GUTS the ASURA PATH with LIGHTNING, which EXPLODES IT for REASONS. It's pretty GROSS)

KAKASHI (looking at the ANIMAL PATH): Now, it's just you and me.

(Suddenly, a WALL EXPLODES. NARUTO ENTERS, at high speed)

NARUTO: HEY SENSEI HOW'S IT-

(The ANIMAL PATH KICKS HIM PRETTY FRICKEN HARD)

NARUTO: SEE YA SENSEI!

(HE EXPLODES BACK THROUGH TWO MORE WALLS)

KAKASHI: Huh. I'll admit, that was kinda cool.

PERSPECTIVE SHIFT! QUANTUM SHIFT (INTO THE _PAST_)!

NARUTO: I still can't believe it. I mean, orange? Not green, or brown, or something muted? Freaking ORANGE?

PAIN: Perhaps you should worry less about your wardrobe malfunctions, and more about _me_.

(NARUTO DOES. He uses RASENGAN!)

PAIN: Oh, please. MYSTERIOUS POWER!

(RASENGAN wasn't very effective…)

NARUTO: DAMMIT! How come that never works?

SAKURA: Honestly, Naruto. Have you EVER managed to land the first Rasengan in a fight?

NARUTO: It worked against Kabuto…

SAKURA: Idiot! The music had already started then. You have to wait for that. THEN you'll be sure to hit him!

NARUTO: So what do we do till then?

YAMATO: Only one thing TO do. Combination attack!

(THEY DO. SAI uses DEADLY LIONS. YAMATO uses DEADLY TREES. NARUTO uses HIMSELF. SAKURA uses KUNAI)

NARUTO: Really, Sakura?

SAKURA: Hey! Kunai are really useful! Like that time with… uh… the Demon Brothers! Sasuke saved your life!

NARUTO: That was a shuriken, actually.

SAKURA: Fine! How about, the, uh, Yondaime! He used kunai!

YAMATO: Yeah, with seals on them. Give up, Sakura. You're basically useless in this fight.

SAKURA: I took out Sasori!

(EVERYONE IGNORES HER. MEANWHILE, THE COMBINATION ATTACK FAILED!)

PAIN: Pathetic. Now, I'm going to punch you, Naruto!

(HE and the PRETA PATH DO. Fortunately, there are about a hundred Narutos to punch, so it'll probably take a while for the real one to-)

NARUTO: I throw myself on your sword/pole/metal thing!

SAKURA: DAMMIT NARUTO!

(NARUTO'S RETARDED PLAN WORKS. For some reason)

NARUTO: Yes! I'm the best! Around! No one's gonna ever-

PAIN: Hey. That was pretty good. I'll give you credit for it. However-

(PAIN is holding NARUTO'S shoulder. Some MUSIC starts)

NARUTO: Uh, Sakura? I hear music. Should I hit him?

SAKURA: What's it sound like? If you had to name it, what would it be called?

NARUTO: I'd have to say… "Girei?"

SAKURA: OH SHIT. Naruto, don't-!

(PAIN THROWS NARUTO THROUGH A WALL. OR TWO. KAKASHI is on the other side)

NARUTO: HEY SENSEI HOW'S IT-

(The ANIMAL PATH KICKS HIM PRETTY FRICKEN HARD)

NARUTO: SEE YA SENSEI!

(HE EXPLODES BACK THROUGH TWO MORE WALLS)

NARUTO: Ow.

PAIN: You wanna surrender now?

NARUTO: Nah. I'm good.

(NARUTO PASSES THE HELL OUT)

PERSPECTIVE SHIFT! (What, no time jump this time?)

SAKURA: NARUTO!

HINATA: NARUTO!

(Oh yeah. KIBA, AKAMARU, and HINATA have ARRIVED out of the forest. KIBA is covered in GROSS)

KIBA: Hey guys! What's going- oh.

SAKURA: Kiba, what the HELL are you covered in?

KIBA: Well, in the original story, it was just a noodle incident. But considering this is the abridging, I might as well tell you. See, when I caught up with the chameleon that took Hinata, Akamaru and I-

SAKURA: Kiba, I wasn't actually asking. Come on. We have to go help Naruto.

KIBA: Screw you, Sakura.

SAKURA: Sai, cover us. Hinata, Kiba, charge straight in. I'm going to hang back and try to grab Naruto.

HINATA: That sounds like a terrible plan. Let's do it!

(THEY DO)

PAIN: Really? This is your plan?

SAKURA: I'd like to see you come up with something better!

PAIN: All right. One moment.

(HE BLOWS HINATA AND KIBA AWAY)

PAIN: I would humbly submit my Shinra Tensei.

SAKURA: FOOL! With my amazing deductive powers I've figured out your jutsu's weakness! You have to wait after using it!

PAIN: Since when have you had deductive powers? And you're almost right. If this were filler I could totally do it.

SAKURA: I had the highest academic scores in the academy!

PAIN: And that means that you can deduct things? Honestly, before now, you've shown a startling lack of smarts when it comes to combat tactics. You've just dodged and obeyed others.

SAKURA: What about Sasori!?

PAIN: Sasori was a fluke. I mean, he was one of the weakest members of-

(SAKURA PUNCHES PAIN. Of course, calling it a PUNCH would be like calling a tidal wave a ripple. This is the kind of PUNCH that makes other punches weep at their inadequacy. This is the kind of PUNCH that walks into another punch's house and eats all of its cereal without a word in edgewise. This is the KING OF PUNCHES.

It's a really freaking strong punch.)

SAKURA: FUCK. YOU.

(PAIN LEAVES. QUICKLY. And INVOLUNTARILY)

KIBA: HOLY. SHIT. Where was that before!?

HINATA: And… suddenly I feel inadequate. Again.

KIBA: Sakura, what are you-

SAKURA: No time. Heal Naruto. He'll be back.

(SHE'S RIGHT)

KIBA: … So anyway Akamaru and I Gatsuga'd that chameleon in each of its eyes. We met in the middle of its head.

SAKURA: That is way less interesting than whatever the readers could have come up with.

(KIBA SHRUGS)

THE END

###

This is... eh. I doubt I'm ever going to be a purely comedic writer. But it _was _fun to do.

Not Sick will be updating sometime at the end of the week. Look forward to it: I, personally, am quite proud of chapter 6.  


Serendipity, out.


	12. Deus Ex Machina

Not Sick Chapter 4 Abridged

Anticlimax

KYUUBI: **SINISTER FORESHADOWING!**

(NARUTO WAKES UP)

NARUTO: Bwah! Whoa, that was weird… (looks around) Hey! Everyone's okay! That's… really unlikely, actually. I mean, isn't this the leader of Akatsuki? Shouldn't _someone _be dead? (He looks pointedly at Kiba)

KIBA: What?

NARUTO: I mean... You're like, the least interesting character here, Kiba. If anyone were going to die, it would have been you.

KIBA (indignant): What about Shino?

Everyone except Shino (even Kakashi, despite being unconscious): TAKE THAT BACK.

KIBA: Ahh! Okay, jeez. Since when does everyone love Shino so much?

NARUTO: It's just because the author loves Team 8. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if some kamas showed up eventually. Oh, by the way-

(A GIANT FUCKING BEAR BURSTS OUT OF THE FOREST)

NARUTO: There's a giant fucking bear coming out of the forest.

KIBA: HOLY SHIT!

SAKURA: HOLY SHIT!

SHINO: Meh.

(SAI ACTUALLY DOES SOMETHING instead of just GAPING LIKE AN IDIOT. BEAR IS SLOWED)

NARUTO: By the way, anyone know what we should do here?

SAKURA: Naruto, don't you have summons? Just get a big frog to beat it up.

NARUTO: Nah, that would be boring. Summon combat isn't very exciting. Though I haven't used it yet so…

SHINO: How about you use _your _filler no jutsu?

NARUTO: Shino! You're a genius! Why didn't I think of that?

SHINO: Because the author came up with it at the last minute.

NARUTO: Oh. Right.

(He SUMMONS the only SMALL TOADS in the show that we know by name)

GAMAKICHI: Damn that's a big bear. Filler no jutsu, huh?

GAMATATSU: JOKE ABOUT SNACKS!

NARUTO: God that obnoxious. Let's just get this over with.

(HE LEAPS ONTO GAMATATSU'S HEAD. Not because it makes the jutsu easier. He just likes standing on things. Meanwhile, the FUCKING GIGANTIC BEAR gets closer)

NARUTO (talking to the bear, for some reason): FOOL! You've sealed your fate! Hinata's filler no jutsu may be the perfect defense, but I… I possess something _way_ better. DEATH-TO-ENDANGERED-SPECIES NO JUTSU!

THE BEAR IS DOUSED IN OIL. THAN CAUGHT ON FIRE. TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE, IT EXPLODES.

GAMAKICHI: FORESHADOWING! (Vanishes)

NARUTO: THAT WAS AMAZING! Why don't I just use that to start off _every_ fight?

HINATA: I'm sorry, Naruto, but it's a filler no jutsu. No matter what it does, it can only be used once, defensively, per chapter. There are rules.

NARUTO: Dammit plot conven-

HINATA: Oh by the way Pain's over there.

(Everyone turns. PAIN is indeed there. He is FUCKED UP)

KIBA: Ha! SMARTASS COMMENT!

(DEATH GLARE; KIBA has a minor existential crisis as he realizes his only role in Not Sick so far has been being an asshole)

PAIN: Naruto Uzumaki. Give yourself up.

NARUTO: Like hell! Why are you doing this, anyway? I'm kinda curious.

SAKURA: Me two!

KIBA: Me three!

SHINO: Meh.

PAIN: Very well. MOTIVE RANT.

SAKURA: My god! That's insane! You're insane!

PAIN: Jiraiya said much the same thing. Before he DIED.

(NARUTO freaks the fuck out)

SAKURA: Quick! Take out the one with gravity powers! He's the most dangerous!

(NARUTO, YAMATO, and SAI all try. THEY FAIL)

SAKURA: Well damn.

(SHINRA TENSEI. Many people take a one-way trip of AT LEAST one mile)

SAKURA: Holy shit I'm alive!

KAKASHI: Holy shit I'm alive! (falls over)

KIBA: Holy shit I'm alive! (Ow)

AKAMARU: Bark!

HINATA: Ha! Plot convenience, bitches! (Takes off at the SPEED OF PLOT towards Naruto.)

SAI: …I didn't really think this through.

YAMATO: Holy shit I'm alive! (falls over)

JUUGO: Hahahahahaha! (falls over)

SUIGETSU: Well, fuck. (Translated from the sound of water splashing)

SHINO: Just as planned.

(Meanwhile, Naruto is IN HIS OWN HEAD)

NARUTO: I'm being mildly out of character! Because ANGST!

KYUUBI: **YOU CAN'T DO THAT! EVERY MINUTE YOU'RE OUT OF CHARACTER A PUPPY DIES! WHY DO YOU THINK THERE IS SO MUCH SUFFERING IN THE WORLD?  
**

(That's right. Yes, I'm talking to you, fanfic authors. Every moment that Naruto is out of character for no reason, a puppy dies. So please, put some thought into your characters.  
For the puppies.)

NARUTO: Oh my god, you're right! I have to fight!

(HE DOES. Despite his opponent not having the use of one of his arms or his primary jutus, he still GETS HIS ASS KICKED)

NARUTO: Dammit plot convenience! Also, body-spanning burns. Those suck as well.

PAIN: Well, Naruto, are you ready to give up yet?

NARUTO: I'll never give up! Because that's my-

HINATA: Ninja way! And just like you, Naruto, I've foregone a stealthy attack to adorably complete another person's sentence!

(Pain and Naruto stare)

NARUTO: Hinata! Kick his ass!

(HINATA DOES.)

PAIN: How the hell are you winning?

HINATA: Love!

PAIN: THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!

HINATA (Shrugging): Well, love is all you-

(HINATA SPECTACULARY FAILS A SPOT CHECK. THE HUMAN PATH DYNAMIC ENTRIES HER IN THE FACE. For some reason, the author doesn't include a callback to the immense block of purple prose describing dynamic entries in the first chapter)

PAIN: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT REFERENCES!?

(SOMEHOW, HINATA ends up PINNED UNDER NARUTO)

HINATA: Naruto, did you really need to land on top of me?

NARUTO: No. Did you really not see the other Pain coming? You have 360 degree X-Ray vision.

HINATA: Uh… I… was out of chakra?

NARUTO: But you were using the Jūken?

HINATA: Yep.

NARUTO: Fuck.

HINATA: Yes!

NARUTO: Not what I meant.

(OMINIOUS MUSIC!)

PAIN: Now, Naruto. You are helpless! I have finally won! Peace will reign, and Konoha shall burn! Also, I'm going to kill Hinata! Because I am a villain! A tragically misunderstood villain!

NARUTO: NO! You can't! There was ship tease like, a paragraph earlier! No way you'd do it!

(OMINIOUS MUSIC switches over to DRAMATIC)

PAIN: What the hell?

?: Hey, Pain.

PAIN: What?

(ITACHI _BADASSES_ out of the dust (it's a particularly tricky way of walking)).

ITACHI: IRONIC ECHO. Now, get out of here.

PAIN: What the hell are you doing?!

ITACHI: MOTIVE… RANT? I guess? Little calm to be called a rant. MOTIVE DISCUSSION.

PAIN: VILLAINOUS BREAKDOWN!

(ITACHI BURNS ONE OF HIS BODIES TO ASH)

PAIN: Oh. Okay. I see how it is. We either have a brief, unexciting fight, or I leave with my pride intact.

(HE THINKS IT OVER. BRIEFLY. About as brief as the fight would have been, actually)

PAIN: Yep. Definitely leaving. Don't worry, Naruto. I'll be back for you. And your little fox too.

(HE PEACEFULLY EXITS)

NARUTO and HINATA: WTF? What kind of ending was- (They pass out)

(Some time passes. Everyone MIRACULOUSLY makes it back together, mostly unharmed)

SAKURA (about NARUTO and HINATA): Aw! Even with their no doubt numerous bruises, open wounds, and broken bones, they're adorable!

KIBA: Man, this is some bullshit. No one died? Still? What is wrong with this author?

ITACHI: I wouldn't speak so loudly. He can hear you, you know. Might relegate you to a bit role if you're not careful.

NARUTO: Itachi! You beautiful man! You saved me! Also, give Sasuke's eyes back! (wow, that's a weird sentence)

ITACHI: I'm afraid I can't do that, Naruto. Two other things: firstly-

(NARUTO barfs up a crow. It is DISGUSTING.)

ITACHI: Secondly-

(KISAME arrives. Apparently, he managed to completely avoid the MILES WIDE SPHERE OF DESTRUCTION.

ITACHI: Kisame, go get my brother.

KISAME: K.

(KISAME leaves)

KIBA: Can I make a joke about a relatively popular fandom pairing now?

(He CAN'T. Neither can SAI.)

(KISAME comes back, carrying SASUKE, who by this point is probably getting pretty sick of being carried by people)

ITACHI: Sasuke, I need you to get Orochimaru out of your body.

SASUKE: K.

(He DOES. It's GROSS.)

OROCHIMARU: Kukuku, Itachi. Can I go now?

ITACHI: IRONIC ECHO.

OROCHIMARU: You already did that, you hack!

(ITACHI lack of creativity doesn't stop him from IMPALING OROCHIMARU and MELTING what's left.)

EVERYONE: No one could have survived that!

(A wild FORESHADOWING SNAKE appeared! It was IGNORED!)

ITACHI: Now, one last thing. Sakura, please hold this.

SAKURA: Okay, but what're you gonna-

(ITACHI PLUCKS HIS OWN EYES OUT. IT'S GROSS.)

SAKURA: OH MY GOD WHY?!

ITACHI: Here, take em. I won't be needing them anymore.

(She DOES.)

ITACHI: Oh, and tell Sasuke about them too. K thanx bye.

(KISAME and ITACHI VANSIH, because they are NINJAS)

EVERYONE: …

KAKASHI: CLOSING SENTENCE!

KIBA: Dammit that was my job!

THE END

###

**YOU GET IT?! PAIN HATES REFERENCES BUT EVERY OTHER SENTENCE HE SPEAKS IS ONE?!**

**I'M SO WITTY!**

**...**

**Yeah, right. Anyway, I actually did have fun writing this. I mean, the first draft of chapter 4 was named Deus Ex Machina. Itachi is a walking savior. No worse than canon, really, but I still felt guilty. Hence, this.**

**Also: Somebody Lost, if you're reading this. Don't worry, I'm definitely going to use that Omake.  
**

**In Abridged 6. If I ever get around to it.**

**I'd ask you to leave a review, but honestly, if this made you chuckle even once, my job is done.**

**Serendipity, out.**


End file.
